Characteristics of musical keys || A Brief Tutorial on Musical Modes by John Chambers
| a-b-a form: | a musical convention long preferred by composers who can't "C" |
| a la regretto: | tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music critics |
| Accidental: | 1. A sharp or flat notated within the body of the written music which is not part of the key signature. 2. A sharp or flat not notated within the body of the written music typically played by someone in the viola section. 3. Son or daughter of the conductor. |
| adagio fromaggio: | to play in a slow and cheesy manner |
| al capone: | performing while standing on a neutered rooster |
| al dente con tableau: | in opera, chew the scenery |
| allegro: | leg fertilizer |
| allegro con brillo: | the fastest way to wash pots and pans |
| allegro ma non trippo: | fast, but not tripping over your own fingers |
| anDante: | a musical composition that is infernally slow |
| Agnus Dei: | a famous female church composer |
| Angus Dei: | a divine, beefy tone |
| antiphonal: | referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall |
| a patella: | unaccompanied knee-slapping |
| appologgiatura: | an ornament you regret after playing it |
| approximatura: | a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that" |
| approximento: | a musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch |
| arguemento: | a disagreement between the conductor and the composer |
| atonality: | disease that many modern composers suffer from; the most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions |
| augmented fifth: | a 36-ounce bottle |
| baffoon: | baboon with bassoon |
| baggaggetto: | what your new voice teacher calls the teachings of your old voice teacher |
| barbie dolce: | sweet but plastic |
| bar line: | what musicians form after a concert |
| bass lure: | a seductive refrain |
| basso continuo: | the act of game fishing after the legal season has ended |
| basso obstinato: | a ground bass one can't get out of one's head once it's been heard or played |
| basso profundo: | an opera about deep sea fishing |
| basso refundo: | the sad but predictable consequence of the ill-fated "Three Basses" concert tour |
| bowlero: | muzak that's right up your alley |
| brake drum: | the instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra |
| bull horn: | a brass instrument that plays notes you wouldn't believe |
| cantus firmus: | the part you get when you can only play four notes |
| cacoughany: | a composition sung by many people with chest colds |
| clarinest: | the pile of unusable reeds accumulated during an average rehearsal session |
| clausula: | Mrs. Santa |
| coloraflora: | the corsage worn by a diva |
| Con spirito: | drunk again |
| con folko: | to sing like Pete Seeger or Joan Baez |
| Concert hall: | a place where large audiences gather for the sole purpose of removing paper wrappings from candy and gum. |
| concerto con carne: | a piece for single instrument played in a "chili" manner |
| concerto grosso: | 1. a really BAD performance. 2. a concerto written for accordion and orchestra. |
| contrababoon: | the simian assistant of a Latin American revolutionary organ grinder |
| Coral Symphony: | (see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period) |
| cornetti trombosis: | disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage |
| crashendo: | the increasing sense of aggravation felt by band members as those trumpet players keep dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor |
| crotchet: | it's like knitting but it's faster |
| cut time: | when you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble. |
| d.c. al capone: | you betta go back to the beginning, capiche? |
| dill piccolo: | a wind instrument that plays only sour notes |
| diminderwindo: | fading of daylight at dusk, as seen from indoors |
| diminuendo: | the process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit |
| Doppelgängesang: | when two opera singers decide to sing the same aria at the same time |
| eardrum: | a teeny, tiny timpani |
| etude brute: | an early form of Roman music performed with a rapid, sharp, repetitive beat |
| Fandango: | grabbing the pull chain on the ceiling fan |
| fermantra: | a note that is held over and over and over and... |
| fermatahorn: | an Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes |
| fermoota: | a rest of indefinite length and dubious value |
| fiddler crabs: | grumpy string players |
| flute flies: | gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors |
| fog horn: | a brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear |
| fortississippi: | with mighty, flowing strength |
| frugalhorn: | a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument |
| fruitti tutti: | a chorus singing together in an exaggerated, overripe manner |
| Gaul blatter: | a French horn player |
| good conductor: | a person who can give an electrifying performance |
| gregorian champ: | monk who can hold a note the longest |
| ground brass: | when someone in the marching band drops a sousaphone |
| ground hog: | someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let others play it |
| harpomarxian mode: | to mime along with the choir when you don't know what mode is being sung |
| hautboisie: | the elite society of anyone who can actually play the oboe (according to oboists) |
| hemiola: | a heart disease caused by singing too high |
| hocket: | the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett |
| incandenza: | the lighting in the concert hall |
| interval: | how long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: major interval: a long time; minor interval: a few bars; inverted interval: you have to back one bar and try again |
| intonation: | singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages |
| kvetchendo: | gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder |
| Largo: | beer brewed in Germany or the Florida Keys |
| maestrousseau: | at the pace of a wedding march |
| Major: | when the viola section is more than 3 measures ahead of or behind the rest of the orchestra; see also Minor. |
| mallade: | a romantic song that's pretty awful |
| matterhorn: | an instrument of cosmic influence designed to create something out of nothing |
| metronome: | a dwarf who lives in the city |
| Minor: | when the viola section is less than 3 measures ahead of or behind the rest of the orchestra' see also Major; 2. age group of the girl living with the conductor. |
| molto bolto: | head straight for the ending, but don't make it seemed rushed |
| mucho caffinato: | play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience |
| musica ficta: | when you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again; also known as faking |
| neumatic melisma: | a bronchial disorder caused by hockets |
| nientendo: | little nothings written for video games |
| noctearn: | scale payment for a night gig |
| oraToro: | a lawn mower may be substituted for the original instrumentation at this point |
| opera buffa: | musical stage production at a nudists' camp |
| phewgue!: | any organ composition written by J.S. Bach |
| phollyphonic: | badly arranged harmonizations |
| pianisissymode: | the unfortunate outfits that some child prodigies are forced to wear |
| pianorama: | instrument capable of broad, sweeping musical performances |
| pizzacato: | the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short, quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend |
| pollyphonic: | orchestra made up of lots of parrots |
| placebo domingo: | a faux tenor |
| poco a loco: | deteriorating state of sanity caused by practicing the same passage for three day |
| presto chango: | quickly going from a very fast to a very slow tempo |
| Refrain: | proper technique for playing bagpipes, accordion, or banjo |
| Ricercar: | a Japanese automobile |
| ritornello: | an opera by Verdi |
| rooti tooti: | use of a potato as a trumpet mute |
| rubato: | expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with sensations of angst in the mating period; especially common among tenors |
| Sancta: | Clausula's husband |
| schmaltzando: | a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band |
| Sfarzando: | sound made by members of the percussion section by cupping right hand under left armpit and moving left elbow up and down. |
| Slur: | a comment made in private by a member of the orchestra concerning the conductor. |
| spinet: | politician's order |
| spritzicato: | plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional) |
| status cymbal: | an instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls |
| stops: | something Bach did not have on his organ |
| stuckatto: | playing the same staccato vamp over and over because the soloist can't find the entrance |
| tempo tantrum: | what an orchestra has when it won't follow the conductor |
| timpani alley: | a row of kettledrums; term originated in New York City area |
| tincanabulation: | the annoying or irritating sounds made by a non-musical person using extremely cheap bells; from Poe's "The Bells" and "tin cans" |
| toiletto: | the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles |
| Tonic: | a medicinal drink consumed in great quantity before a performance and in greater quantity afterwards. |
| transposition: | an advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece |
| trotto: | an early Italian form of Montezuma's revenge |
| trouble clef: | any clef one can't read, e.g., the alto clef for pianists |
| vesuvioso: | a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion |
| viola da caramba: | a string player who can only get work in a fiesta band |
Rehearsal Police Summons: Name of offender: ________________________ Date/Time of Offense: ________________________ Instrument: ________________________ Location: ________________________ Fine: IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL $10.00 __ Stupid questions $25.00 __ Really stupid questions $300.00 __ Really stupid questions which increase rehearsal length $500.00 __ Long, detailed discussion/excuse rationalizing mistakes Fine: PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR $25.00 __ Musicology $50.00 __ Historical nitpicking $10.00 __ Obtrusive foot-tapping $15.00 __ Uninvited conducting $25.00 __ Questioning concertmaster's or principal's bowings $100.00 __ Comparing concertmaster's or principal's bowings with what Philadelphia Orchestra did under Ormandy Fine: GENERAL TOADYING $50.00 __ Insane cackling at conductor's bad jokes $10.00 __ Loud and forced horse laugh at conductor's bad jokes $40.00 __ Unwarranted beatific smile while playing (strings) $35.00 __ Conspicuous professional reading (e.g. international musician) $75.00 __ Stultifyingly minute bowing/breath questions $95.00 __ Conversing with conductor in a language other than English $35.00 __ Active and public nodding in agreement with conductor $25.00 __ Pencil behind ear $15.00 __ Conspicuous part marking $500.00 __ Letting pencil clatter on stand after conspicuous part marking $150.00 __ Obvious, insipid consultation of conductor's score during break $90.00 __ Reference to obscure recordings/performances $15.00 __ Pretending to understand absurd metaphor $25.00 __ Understanding absurd metaphor Fine: ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS $25.00 __ Playing high notes louder than possible (brass) $200.00 __ Holding same 1/4 beat longer than everyone else (brass) $100.00 __ Discussing technique during rehearsal $200.00 __ Discussing technique during break $500.00 __ Discussing technique with guest artist (at any time) $30.00 __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes $60.00 __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about famous musician (2nd hand) $90.00 __ Tiresome time-consuming anecdotes about famous musician (1st hand) $50.00 __ Naming yourself after a dead composer $100.00 __ Naming yourself after a live composer $150.00 __ Feigning European birth by 'lapsing' into foreign languages Fine: GENERAL OBNOXIOUS BEHAVIOR $50.00 __ Selling Amway $15.00 __ Inviting conductor to party $100.00 __ Inviting guest artist to party $200.00 __ Showing pictures of guest artist at party at first rehearsal after party ____________________________ Signature of citing official ** FAILURE TO PAY FINES SHALL BE CAUSE FOR REVOCATION OF ARTISTIC LICENSE **